Can’t, holding a grudge
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️