*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
White Castle for the Win
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.