*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat