I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions