I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
i鈥檇 imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If I was a mafia don鈥檚 wife, I鈥檇 keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Don鈥檛 make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 馃槏
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda