Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
🙀🙀🙀😹
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No