chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU