Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
You Might Also Like
I have never related to anyone more.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.