ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”