I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
You Might Also Like
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.