Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t