Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Perfection.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
This is a bad sign
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.