Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
#Caturday
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I’ve been learning to cook.