omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
You Might Also Like
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I love twitter
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Goodnight 🐶
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Breaking news:
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?