[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.