I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead