Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey