BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My whole life was a lie.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?