My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Gods work.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?