I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Hero horse inspires millions
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars