Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there