My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*mops up wine with cat*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”