Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
why would tinder want me to say this
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.