[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.