The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
birds and squirrels envy us
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.