ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.