If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING