“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
me working on my assignments ^-^
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered