[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?