“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad