I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Duck typos.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
⛄️
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”