When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Ain’t no way
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*