Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
A little too much information.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The old gods are rising again.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.