I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR