Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
lmao
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
🤣🤣🤣
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.