Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.