Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Spider-cat: No One Home
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.