POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
and now we wait
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage