I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You Might Also Like
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.