What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder