Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My sex drive has a dui
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.