Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.