Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”