Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.