I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
dutch so unserious
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.