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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.