Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
⛄️
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”