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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Me irl
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.