*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Bond. Trauma bond.
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom