Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!